Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
