I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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