How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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