Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
