i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
