You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
