We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
