I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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