Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
