update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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