How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
