running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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