How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
