Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
