i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
