sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
