i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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