everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
