a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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