i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i've created a new STD.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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