Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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