The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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