When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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