I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
