It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
