Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
