guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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