i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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