my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you will always have a special place in my vag
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
