I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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