Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just cut my nipple shaving
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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