the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Such a big mess for such a small penis
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
