The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
