I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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