Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
