there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
