I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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