Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
