she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
