I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
