Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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