The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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