He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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