god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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