1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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