I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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