ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
