hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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