We won't sleep together?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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