Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
