I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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