omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
