Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Oh god it's open bar.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
