I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
