I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
