hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
