I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
