i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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