I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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